Humor Board

 There are a billion jokes on the internet. I don't have the space to hold them all. Please be judicial in your posts. 

   

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Wed 05 Apr 2017 04:38:37
Name :Nuther '62er
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A guy walks into a Psychiatrists office wearing only Saran Wrap. The Dr. looks at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
Fri 31 Mar 2017 07:51:27
Name :d
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pretty cool one....
Tue 21 Mar 2017 12:53:42
Name :Humor
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What do you call a dwarf, that is a mystic, and wanted by the law?


Small Medium at Large.
Sun 29 Jan 2017 03:40:44
Name :Nuther '62er
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George Washington-I cannot tell a lie

Richard Nixon-I cannot tell the truth

Hillary Clinton-I cannot tell the difference
Sun 22 Jan 2017 06:30:14
Name :Nuther '62er
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So God is sitting on his throne, when George W. Bush walks up. God asks him, "What do you think you've done in your life that's good."? He answers, "That he raised a good family and tried to do what was best for mankind." God agrees and asks him to sit next to him. Next Obama walks up, and God asks the same question. "Well lord I tried my best to lift up the poor, and create opportunities for all." God asks him to sit on his left. Then Trump saunters in. God says, "What do you think"? Trump says, "I think you're sitting in my chair"!!!!
Sun 04 Dec 2016 10:57:57
Name :Happy Holidays!
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What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

One of them is wanted.
Mon 21 Nov 2016 01:01:45
Name :Happy Thanksgiving!
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What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

One of them is wanted.
Wed 27 Jul 2016 07:37:22
Name :Joe
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This is what all of you 70+ year old, and yet to be, kids have to look forward to!!
This is something that happened in an assisted living center where my wife used to work.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining
area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to
call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.



When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.




Mon 11 Jul 2016 11:45:51
Name :KP '75
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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex..
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Fri 01 Jul 2016 07:54:37
Name :Nuther '62er
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You can't trust Hillary to create any jobs. The last job she had she outsourced to Monica Lewinsky...and Monica blew it!!!
Tue 17 May 2016 06:58:15
Name :d
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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya doing, Billy Bob?”
“Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me ‘n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”
Tue 03 May 2016 10:17:32
Name :Joe
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A seventy-eight year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."



Sat 19 Mar 2016 10:29:45
Name :Jo
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A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.


The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’ll be worth it. So he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first, giving the rooster a pep talk. “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, and when the farmer points toward the henhouse, he takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse — three or four times. The farmer is shocked.

Later, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, and sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later still, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again — WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset, Randy is out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful — and expensive — animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer.”
Sat 20 Feb 2016 08:37:04
Name :d
Email :nuther 62'r
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Oh not at all sir, Just some fine memories from the past That I am priveleged to have. That was more of a thank you.
Sat 20 Feb 2016 07:29:30
Name :Nuther '62er
Email :d
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Sorry d. I didn't mean to offend in any way.
Fri 19 Feb 2016 05:07:05
Name :WRT
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Bill Clinton was getting ready to go out shopping. Hillary called out to him to pick up something that would make her look sexy. He returned with a quart of whisky.
Wed 17 Feb 2016 05:03:10
Name :d
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OMG.....the love of my life used to say that all the time and he surely got his wish......I will never forget or forgive him.....I know this is not funny but your post struck a sad bone...
Sun 07 Feb 2016 06:23:17
Name :Nuther '62er
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When I die, I want to leave this world the same way I arrived...naked and along side a good woman.
Sun 31 Jan 2016 02:55:52
Name :Dear Abby
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Dear Abby,
My husband hasn’t worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he’s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand-daughters. I know this because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he tells me he knows I am a lesbian and my varicose veins and fat behind turns him off. Should I clobber him with a frying pan, or should I just leave him?
Your advice would be appreciated.
Sincerely, Mad as hell.
********************
Dear Mad as hell,
You don’t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out ASAP.
Don’t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan.
Try to act more like a lady.
Remember……you are running for President of the United States, so try to act like it!
Best of luck to you.
Signed, Abby
Sun 31 Jan 2016 09:44:17
Name :KP '75
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A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A Mountie on the beat sees him and approaches, “Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody stole me carrr," the Newfie replies.
The Mountie asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the Newfie replies.
About that time the Mountie looks down and sees the man's Willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, “Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out….
"Holy shit....!!!! Me girlfriend's gone too!!".......
Fri 22 Jan 2016 12:34:48
Name :KP '75
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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
Thu 21 Jan 2016 09:12:31
Name :JOKE OLAY
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'One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.'


How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?'


'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'
Thu 21 Jan 2016 04:48:23
Name :Nuther '62er
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LMAO!!!!!
Wed 20 Jan 2016 04:59:35
Name :KP '75
Email :Arrrghhh Arrghhh
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Fri 08 Jan 2016 10:11:45
Name :d
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HA HA HA HA I just got it.....HA HA HA
Sun 03 Jan 2016 05:30:58
Name :Nuther '62er
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Fri 01 Jan 2016 12:56:27
Name :hmmm...
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'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'