Humor Board

 There are a billion jokes on the internet. I don't have the space to hold them all. Please be judicial in your posts. 

   

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Sun 31 Jan 2016 02:55:52
Name :Dear Abby
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Dear Abby,
My husband hasn’t worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he’s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his grand-daughters. I know this because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he tells me he knows I am a lesbian and my varicose veins and fat behind turns him off. Should I clobber him with a frying pan, or should I just leave him?
Your advice would be appreciated.
Sincerely, Mad as hell.
********************
Dear Mad as hell,
You don’t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out ASAP.
Don’t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan.
Try to act more like a lady.
Remember……you are running for President of the United States, so try to act like it!
Best of luck to you.
Signed, Abby
Sun 31 Jan 2016 09:44:17
Name :KP '75
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A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A Mountie on the beat sees him and approaches, “Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody stole me carrr," the Newfie replies.
The Mountie asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the Newfie replies.
About that time the Mountie looks down and sees the man's Willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, “Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out….
"Holy shit....!!!! Me girlfriend's gone too!!".......
Fri 22 Jan 2016 12:34:48
Name :KP '75
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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
Thu 21 Jan 2016 09:12:31
Name :JOKE OLAY
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'One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.'


How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?'


'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'
Thu 21 Jan 2016 04:48:23
Name :Nuther '62er
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LMAO!!!!!
Wed 20 Jan 2016 04:59:35
Name :KP '75
Email :Arrrghhh Arrghhh
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Fri 08 Jan 2016 10:11:45
Name :d
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HA HA HA HA I just got it.....HA HA HA
Sun 03 Jan 2016 05:30:58
Name :Nuther '62er
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Fri 01 Jan 2016 12:56:27
Name :hmmm...
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'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'